File under too stupid for words.

So I bought this new bike last week because my old one got stolen. The new bike has these things called "presta valves" on the tubes -- the kind of valves all the fancy pants bikers use because...well, because they do. I'd never used a presta valve before and I tried to pump up the tires this morning. Serious bikers reading this (if any) are laughing their asses off right now because they realize this is the bicycle equivalent of someone asking for help to find the "any" key on a computer.

I put the nozzle on the valve. Nothing. No little hiss of air as the nozzle engages. Ok. I begin pumping. Lots of resistance. That's because there's no air going anywhere -- it's all being trapped in the pump hose. Ok.

I examine the valve. I notice it has a nut on the end, which I unscrew to reveal a thin bolt inside the valve housing. Aha! Taking the nut entirely off, I reattach the pump and it's working! The tire gets inflated. All's good.

I take the pump off the tire. Immediately there's a pop and the tire deflates. Utterly. Like my NCAA brackets midway through the first weekend of the tournament. The tiny little bolt thing is no longer to be seen. It's either in the tire somewhere or it was shot across the room by the air pressure. I don't know. It's gone.

Now I have to go to the bike shop and tell those bike junkies how I can't even pump up a tire.