Guest blogger: GW Bush

Hi. I'm George Bush. I've been your President for the last...umm...6 years. Has it been six? Well, it's close enough. I've held this job longer than most of my other jobs, but I ran all those other organizations into the ground and bankrupted them. Except for the Rangers. Hey! It's almost opening day. Man I love the crack...what was I saying? Oh yeah, I love the crack of the bat.

The thing I like best about being President, other than the free food, is that I can't bankrupt this country. I can't. Because you see, just up the road from the White House they have a place where they can make all the money they want. Check it out. It's on the Tourmobile Route. They can make so much money, sometimes they just shred it up and put it inside pens or paperweights. I can spend spend spend and I just phone em up and I say, "Hey I need more money." They can make it. It's just like when Daddy sent me to Yale. Don't know where it came from; just knew I could have it.

Yale. Oh yeah. I hated it though. Northeastern liberals always telling you what to do. Hated it. After I got out of Andover Academy (and believe you me I wanted to go to public school -- just itched to do it), I told Daddy to send me to a real school in real America. Maybe Ball State. Or Texas. Hook em Horns! But he sent me to Yale and I had to pretend I was one of them elites. I'd tell him every summer in the family retreat in Kennebunkport how I hated it, but I swallowed my pride and went to Yale, where nearly every class was about how much we were supposed to hate America. Every one. Same thing's true when I went back to get my MBA at Harvard.

Anyway, look, we're winning the war in Iraq. I have a plan. It's a winning plan. But I can't tell you. No. See, the terra-ists would love for me to tell you. But it's a winner. If I didn't think it was a winner I wouldn't have sent your sons and daughters to Iraq. Or Afghanistan. No. My kids are busy though, thanks for asking. What's Dick say? "Other Priorities," yeah, heh. Ooo boy. That's what they have: "other priorities."

Some people think Iraq is in Civil War. Know nothings. Naysayers. They don't have the data I have. They haven't seen the intelligence. Listen, we all recognize that there is a violence, that there's sectarian violence. But the way I look at the situation is that the Iraqis took a look and decided not to go to civil war. You may look at it differently, but you're wrong. But I still like you. Lemme give you a nickname, something like "Brownie" or "Kenny Boy."

Did I mention it'll be opening day soon. I can't wait to throw out that first pitch. Hoo, boy. Yup.