11 March 2008

And now a message from Governor Spitzer.

Hmm. Well. I know what a lot of you must be thinking, I mean, I would have thought it myself if it were some other governor or senator or president getting caught with his hand in the cookie jar, so to speak, but I'm telling you it's different with me.

No, bear with me.

As most of you no doubt know, I was Attorney General before I became Governor of this great state. As AG, I prosecuted several high-profile corruption cases. I went after the gun lobby. I took on tobacco. I stood up to the mafia. And some of those cases involved breaking up prostitution rings. By all accounts, I was a highly successful prosecutor.

However, I wanted to go deeper. I wanted to get beyond the dry facts of the law and try to understand what made these criminals tick. I wanted to penetrate -- hey, no laughing in the back -- the private world of crime. So I devised a very deep cover: I ran for governor of the state of New York. And it worked.

Now, no longer the state's top lawman, I was free to play the role of corrupt politician, and I've seen enough corrupt politicians in my time to play the role very, very well.

Fellow citizens of New York, you must believe me when I tell you that I was within a few months of cracking wide open this high-level prostitution ring when the FBI blew my cover. "Kristen," as I called her, was close to giving me the information I needed -- she had provided everything I'd asked for in the past, and I had every belief she would continue to be cooperative in the future -- to identify "Mr. Big" and put him behind bars for a long, long time.

Thank you. No questions now, because you'll jeopardize what remains of my investigation.

4 comments:

m.a. said...

Bravo, Cuff!

Bravo.

foilwoman said...

Yeah. What you said.

Grad School Reject said...

I particularly enjoyed the clip the Daily Show played from a few years back where he explained how foolish a person would have to be to put incriminating facts/details in a phone call or e-mail. You know - cause he was authorizing/supporting wire taps. At least he officially stepped down today.

lacochran said...

*Snort!* Good one.